I have been reading John Gottman's book on marriage as described above, apparently he is the foremost expert in marriage with over 40 years of research. It is therefore expected that this man must know a thing or two about the subject.
As a Christian man who recognises that I have failed in being the husband my wife deserves and the father my children need, I am on a journey to change my destructive ways and invite the Holy Spirit to lead me in being all God would have me be. Often as pastors and leaders in the church we neglect those who are closest to us believing some how that others need us more. I am becoming aware just how wrong this is and just how much I neglected the people who needed me the most, my wife and children.
Needless to say, most of what Dr Gottman has said in this book has been confronting and has shed a light on a number destructive behaviours in my life. One such behaviour is my reaction to complaints or criticism, not just from my wife but from others also. Dr Gottman describes DEFENSIVENESS as one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse which leads to divorce. Whilst we know this horseman is not found in the book of revelation, it is however one of the major contributors or at least indicators in a marriage that is heading down a path of destruction.
When I become defensive I am sending a message to my wife or whoever it is that is critical of me that their complaint is unjustified. Ultimately I am saying they and their complaint are unimportant transferring my own shame and guilt for what I have done to offend them back on to them. This is something I recognise I do again and again and I am starting to understand somewhat why this happens.
As a child growing up we were often smacked or hit by our father when he came home from the pub drunk based on information my mother gave him when he came through the door. My mother did this herself to defer possible abuse from our father from herself to the children. As a result, I learnt that I needed to defend my bad behaviour and where possible shift blame to others, which in my case was often one of my 5 siblings. This is not to say that I didn't get my fare share of beltings from my father but as my older siblings recently revealed to me I was often seen by them as the favourite due to my fathers better treatment of me.
Defensiveness by itself is bad enough, yet one of the contributors to a bad marriage is upping the anti to ensure we win arguments. This is making a greater complaint about the other person when they come to us with their own complaints. Accusations is another way of doing this, by finishing an argument by accusing the person who brings the complaint to us by some far worst accusations whether we know this to be true or not. I did this recently in an argument with my wife in April of this year. Not being able to respond in love to her complaint I immediately became defensive and then tried to win the argument (fight) by stating things which were untrue or at least I only thought were a possibility.
Yet none of this is the example that Christ gave when he died for all of our sins on the cross. He bore all of our sins, sicknesses, complaints, criticisms upon himself and set his face like flint as a lamb to the slaughter. I have the greatest example of how we are to respond to complaints yet have failed not only my wife but to be what Jesus was to me in my life and lay it down.
Why do I write about my weaknesses? I believe that being completely honest about ourselves and our failings will produce Godly sorrow which leads to repentance and not just worldly sorrow which leads to death. It is therefore my prayer that by exposing myself to others I can see the change in my own life and perhaps inspire others to do the same. I still have a long way to go, but each and every day I am yielding my life into the hands of my Lord and Saviour Jesus the Christ! I know that He is faithful and true to finish the work that He began in me.
God Bless
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