I have been reading John Gottman's book on marriage as described above, apparently he is the foremost expert in marriage with over 40 years of research. It is therefore expected that this man must know a thing or two about the subject.
As a Christian man who recognises that I have failed in being the husband my wife deserves and the father my children need, I am on a journey to change my destructive ways and invite the Holy Spirit to lead me in being all God would have me be. Often as pastors and leaders in the church we neglect those who are closest to us believing some how that others need us more. I am becoming aware just how wrong this is and just how much I neglected the people who needed me the most, my wife and children.
Needless to say, most of what Dr Gottman has said in this book has been confronting and has shed a light on a number destructive behaviours in my life. One such behaviour is my reaction to complaints or criticism, not just from my wife but from others also. Dr Gottman describes DEFENSIVENESS as one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse which leads to divorce. Whilst we know this horseman is not found in the book of revelation, it is however one of the major contributors or at least indicators in a marriage that is heading down a path of destruction.
When I become defensive I am sending a message to my wife or whoever it is that is critical of me that their complaint is unjustified. Ultimately I am saying they and their complaint are unimportant transferring my own shame and guilt for what I have done to offend them back on to them. This is something I recognise I do again and again and I am starting to understand somewhat why this happens.
As a child growing up we were often smacked or hit by our father when he came home from the pub drunk based on information my mother gave him when he came through the door. My mother did this herself to defer possible abuse from our father from herself to the children. As a result, I learnt that I needed to defend my bad behaviour and where possible shift blame to others, which in my case was often one of my 5 siblings. This is not to say that I didn't get my fare share of beltings from my father but as my older siblings recently revealed to me I was often seen by them as the favourite due to my fathers better treatment of me.
Defensiveness by itself is bad enough, yet one of the contributors to a bad marriage is upping the anti to ensure we win arguments. This is making a greater complaint about the other person when they come to us with their own complaints. Accusations is another way of doing this, by finishing an argument by accusing the person who brings the complaint to us by some far worst accusations whether we know this to be true or not. I did this recently in an argument with my wife in April of this year. Not being able to respond in love to her complaint I immediately became defensive and then tried to win the argument (fight) by stating things which were untrue or at least I only thought were a possibility.
Yet none of this is the example that Christ gave when he died for all of our sins on the cross. He bore all of our sins, sicknesses, complaints, criticisms upon himself and set his face like flint as a lamb to the slaughter. I have the greatest example of how we are to respond to complaints yet have failed not only my wife but to be what Jesus was to me in my life and lay it down.
Why do I write about my weaknesses? I believe that being completely honest about ourselves and our failings will produce Godly sorrow which leads to repentance and not just worldly sorrow which leads to death. It is therefore my prayer that by exposing myself to others I can see the change in my own life and perhaps inspire others to do the same. I still have a long way to go, but each and every day I am yielding my life into the hands of my Lord and Saviour Jesus the Christ! I know that He is faithful and true to finish the work that He began in me.
God Bless
Tuesday, 29 August 2017
Thursday, 10 August 2017
Stonewalling and 2 Samuel 5:20
Stonewalling is a term used to describe a total breakdown in communications usually between friends or loved ones. Stonewalling however can occur is all areas of life, ranging from friendships to work colleagues and even between members of your local church.
There are many reasons why stonewalling occurs, and no one and everyone involved are to blame for stonewalling. What I mean with this is both parties contribute to stonewalling in one way or another. At the end of the day, stonewalling occurs when one or both parties give up in trying to work things out.
Stonewalling in my experience is the most destructive part in any relationship breakdown as what ever you try to do or be is rejected by the other party. Stonewalling is not God's way of dealing with relationship problems as we know from scripture that our God desires reconciliation as Paul speaks about in 2 Corinthians 5:11-21,
11 Since, then, we know what it is to fear the Lord, we try to persuade others. What we are is plain to God, and I hope it is also plain to your conscience. 12 We are not trying to commend ourselves to you again, but are giving you an opportunity to take pride in us, so that you can answer those who take pride in what is seen rather than in what is in the heart. 13 If we are “out of our mind,” as some say, it is for God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. 14 For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. 15 And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.
16 So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. 17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:[a] The old has gone, the new is here! 18 All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: 19 that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. 20 We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. 21 God made him who had no sin to be sin[b] for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.
When we are faced with stonewalling what then should our response be? Remembering that firstly we most likely contributed to the stonewalling as I know I have done in the past, we must therefore begin with honesty and truthfulness being able to confess that we have wronged the other person and repent of those ways. Secondly we know that God is love and our response to stonewalling or any other event that hurts us needs to come from a heart that is filled with God's love. This is easier said than done when you are in the moment as I know too well. Many times I have responded from my pain rather than from God's unconditional love but I am learning.
Finally we must understand that we "fight not against flesh and blood" as Paul indicated in Ephesians 6:10 but against the "principalities, powers and darkness in high places". Our fight for reconciling our relationships must be in the spiritual realm against the enemies of our souls. John 10:10 says the "thief comes to steal, kill and destroy, but I have come to give you life eternal." Remembering that God is for us and NOT against us and wants every one of us to see the victory that Christ gained on the cross.
How do we fight in the spiritual? We must firstly understand we have a God who desires to give us breakthrough, this breakthrough is exemplified in 2 Samuel 5:20 when King David had to defeat an enemy at Baal Perazim. When King David enquired of the Lord whether or not he should attack the enemy the Lord said to go for I will deliver the enemy into your hands. That place was later called Jehovah Perazim meaning the Lord breaks through after he easily defeated the enemy in that place.
Jeramiah 19 shows the utter disgust the Lord has of His people who take things into their own hands. When my wife and I were verbally and physically attacked by a neighbour several years ago I did just this. I tried to defeat this foe by calling in the police and used the courts to give us justice. When the neighbour would yell I would yell back. All the while God was waiting for me to believe Him for the breakthrough. When I finally did begin to trust God, after I had tried everything else, God was able to help, not only by giving us the sale of our home enabling us to move away from this oppressing environment but also to give some resolve through mediation with the neighbour. However, I believe a much greater outcome would have been possible had I not responded in my hurt but rather in God's love towards the neighbour who is also created in his image.
If we are to see the walls which separate us destroyed as the Israelites did at Jericho then we must begin to trust God for the breakthrough, understanding that God wants to reconcile us firstly to Him and then to others but also that He wants us to believe and trust Him that He is able and willing to rescue us from ourselves. It is so easy to take things into our own hands and respond from the flesh, I am still learning not to do this but I know that my God is faithful and His mercies are new every morning, so start to trust and believe God for the breakthrough. Ephesians 6 goes on to talk about the armour of God but ends with "praying in the Spirit". Yes, God has given us armour and the greatest of these is the word of God being the sword of the spirit, but we also need to know how and when to use it and praying in the Spirit is about being led by the Holy Spirit in everything.
God Bless
There are many reasons why stonewalling occurs, and no one and everyone involved are to blame for stonewalling. What I mean with this is both parties contribute to stonewalling in one way or another. At the end of the day, stonewalling occurs when one or both parties give up in trying to work things out.
Stonewalling in my experience is the most destructive part in any relationship breakdown as what ever you try to do or be is rejected by the other party. Stonewalling is not God's way of dealing with relationship problems as we know from scripture that our God desires reconciliation as Paul speaks about in 2 Corinthians 5:11-21,
11 Since, then, we know what it is to fear the Lord, we try to persuade others. What we are is plain to God, and I hope it is also plain to your conscience. 12 We are not trying to commend ourselves to you again, but are giving you an opportunity to take pride in us, so that you can answer those who take pride in what is seen rather than in what is in the heart. 13 If we are “out of our mind,” as some say, it is for God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. 14 For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. 15 And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.
16 So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. 17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:[a] The old has gone, the new is here! 18 All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: 19 that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. 20 We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. 21 God made him who had no sin to be sin[b] for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.
When we are faced with stonewalling what then should our response be? Remembering that firstly we most likely contributed to the stonewalling as I know I have done in the past, we must therefore begin with honesty and truthfulness being able to confess that we have wronged the other person and repent of those ways. Secondly we know that God is love and our response to stonewalling or any other event that hurts us needs to come from a heart that is filled with God's love. This is easier said than done when you are in the moment as I know too well. Many times I have responded from my pain rather than from God's unconditional love but I am learning.
Finally we must understand that we "fight not against flesh and blood" as Paul indicated in Ephesians 6:10 but against the "principalities, powers and darkness in high places". Our fight for reconciling our relationships must be in the spiritual realm against the enemies of our souls. John 10:10 says the "thief comes to steal, kill and destroy, but I have come to give you life eternal." Remembering that God is for us and NOT against us and wants every one of us to see the victory that Christ gained on the cross.
How do we fight in the spiritual? We must firstly understand we have a God who desires to give us breakthrough, this breakthrough is exemplified in 2 Samuel 5:20 when King David had to defeat an enemy at Baal Perazim. When King David enquired of the Lord whether or not he should attack the enemy the Lord said to go for I will deliver the enemy into your hands. That place was later called Jehovah Perazim meaning the Lord breaks through after he easily defeated the enemy in that place.
Jeramiah 19 shows the utter disgust the Lord has of His people who take things into their own hands. When my wife and I were verbally and physically attacked by a neighbour several years ago I did just this. I tried to defeat this foe by calling in the police and used the courts to give us justice. When the neighbour would yell I would yell back. All the while God was waiting for me to believe Him for the breakthrough. When I finally did begin to trust God, after I had tried everything else, God was able to help, not only by giving us the sale of our home enabling us to move away from this oppressing environment but also to give some resolve through mediation with the neighbour. However, I believe a much greater outcome would have been possible had I not responded in my hurt but rather in God's love towards the neighbour who is also created in his image.
If we are to see the walls which separate us destroyed as the Israelites did at Jericho then we must begin to trust God for the breakthrough, understanding that God wants to reconcile us firstly to Him and then to others but also that He wants us to believe and trust Him that He is able and willing to rescue us from ourselves. It is so easy to take things into our own hands and respond from the flesh, I am still learning not to do this but I know that my God is faithful and His mercies are new every morning, so start to trust and believe God for the breakthrough. Ephesians 6 goes on to talk about the armour of God but ends with "praying in the Spirit". Yes, God has given us armour and the greatest of these is the word of God being the sword of the spirit, but we also need to know how and when to use it and praying in the Spirit is about being led by the Holy Spirit in everything.
God Bless
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