Blame and shame go hand in hand. After all, blame stems from not taking responsibility for ourselves and often about judging others around us. For almost forty years I blamed my mother for the break up of our family when she left our abusive father. For all those years I held resentment towards my mother but often covered it up by doing what appeared the right thing to those around me. That is by visiting her when she was sick and by hosting dinners for my siblings. Over the years I continually prayed for my mother and asked God to forgive me for my feelings towards her, yet never really forgave her myself. Yet whilst doing this I would often talk harshly or down to her, there was literally no love in our relationship though I lied to those around me that I loved my mum.
It wasn't until the breakdown in my own marriage that I began to deal with these emotions and earlier this year I was able to truly forgive my mum for all the hurt that I felt she caused me and our family. What was interesting is that as I was forgiving my mum I immediately started to look for the scape goat, that is the other person who was responsible for the breakdown of and ultimately my parents divorce. My mind moved to my father and the verbal and though I never saw it myself, the physical abusive he had for my mother and often for us children. Once again I was looking for someone to blame, yet the more time I spent in prayer the more the Lord Jesus showed me that no one could really shoulder the blame for what happened. After speaking with my aunty it was revealed that my father and his siblings encountered similar harshness from their father. I am also sure that if I was to probe I would find a great grandfather also in my family that was abusive towards his wife and children. However, at some point the blaming must stop!
Blame ultimately leads to shame, for as we blame others for the failures in our lives and not take responsibility ourselves we often repeat the very things that we saw from our fathers. When my own marriage began to breakdown two years ago I did just this. I blamed my wife and her behaviour for the failed marriage. This is not to say that both parties don't contribute to a relationship, they do, but each person must be responsible for their own actions which I was not. Eighteen months ago I began yelling at my wife for the frustrations and anger I felt, this abusive behaviour has mostly stopped in the last 6 months but God is still dealing with me. I have started to take responsibility for my own life and the ways I have failed my wife and children. Though there is still a great chasm in our relationship, I know that Jesus and by the power of His Holy Spirit is able and willing to bridge the gap and bring healing and restoration. He is the author and the finisher of our faith as Hebrews explains.
Please pray for me!
